Ask & You Shall Receive
This or something better. Please & Thank You.
Stories of acceptance, alchemizing shame, taking messy action, & giving it all up to God.
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt incredibly stagnant and done with this not-working thing—especially not working in my zone of genius. I was so ready for some fresh energy—for some work, progress, and money!
I wanted to feel used, to be of service, to provide value and impact to people who need it, want it, and value it. I wanted bodies, hearts, connection, passion, satisfaction.
I wanted movement.
I’ve been so bored not teaching, not having a community, and not seeing any real sign of anything happening to fill that gap for me. I’ve been patient for four years… When are things gonna line up like I thought they would by now?
Ahem, God, I’m ready!!!
So, I decided, “Fuck it, I will put it online. I’ll do the membership thing. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ll try again. I can ‘just do it.’ Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Right?!
Creatures of Habit ‘The Membership’ was a way of making my work accessible and communal. It was a way to fill the gap I felt was missing in my life the only way I could see how.
Well, lo and behold, as I put it out to you, as I finally let go of my shame and perfectionism, accepted where I found myself in my career, surrendered any further outcome to God, and said, “This is what I want,”
I was provided for tenfold.
But before we dive into that, let me give you some backstory on my “perfectionism and shame, over-giving, forcing”—those are layered stories.
Shame and fear, wrapped in grief, hold me back when it comes to marketing anything movement-related online. I know it happens; it’s par for the course. I used to “handle it,” but I’m drained from it. Natural movement becomes sexualized—I become sexualized. No matter how many boundaries I set or blocks I send, it’s still there.
Sex sells, but I’m over it.
I’m not a prude. Far from it. Sensuality is sacred. Sexuality is primal. Both are beautiful and part of our full embodiment. But I’m continually learning how to navigate what it means to share that online, as the body naturally evokes so much feeling. That is its beauty. It’s genius. It’s magnetism. It’s power. It’s unique value. But these wounds, wrapped in layers of grief from my past of self-neglect and sexual traumas, are boundaries I need to honor.
This is the healing.
We all have our stuff—right? We’re all navigating parts of our lives that feel confusing and uncomfortable. We’re all integrating fragments of ourselves.
A lot of times in the past, I would override my “NO” for approval and love. I would over-give to others, fixating on nurturing and caring for them, while neglecting my deeper desires and needs.
It was so subtle too, the way I would play it cool, go with the flow, and be ‘good’ with whatever. It would show up in the way I used alcohol, drugs, and men to swallow myself whole momentarily—numbing me from my anxiety and turmoil for a weekend.
That subconscious belief that I do not deserve love and belonging is rooted in a fear that I am not enough; a grief from feeling unworthy. Over-giving was my way of proving my value and seeking connection and praise. However inverted, this is how I satisfied my needs.
But martyrdom, saviorism, and dishonest intent do not create anything but bad karma.
And maybe, moreover, I need to stop co-opting my pain, gaslighting myself, and spiritually bypassing some deep personal trauma.
So many of us are just like me, though. These are very human needs that many of us meet in the wrong ways. I know many of my people can relate to this.
But back to last week—I needed something to shift…
and in my questioning of this membership…
I was aimlessly scrolling when *obviously* an ad for a free Pilates class came up…
which led me to a job opening for teachers at ‘Club Pilates’…
SPOILER ALERT—I got hired in a matter of a week and could not be more thrilled; a better outcome than I had ever imagined for myself right now.
It’s always “THIS or something better”;
wholehearted gratitude and acceptance for the NOW opens infinite *better* possibilities for what’s next.
A prosperity mindset when manifesting says “if life is good already SHOW ME how it can be better”.
But two years of being here in AB, four years letting go of teaching yoga and Pilates, selling my beautiful reformer, a handful of random jobs—I was beginning to wonder if I was being punished for choosing such an “unreliable career” and making “selfish” moves in my twenties. I was in full-fledged survival fantasy about moving again and starting over… I was going into my old flight patterns; very afraid I would not be taken care of, that I had been forgotten.
But that is not the truth, this is just how it works.
Listen, I had a lot of healing to do this year from prolonged stress and resurfacing, compounded trauma. Establishing safety in the nervous system is fundamental to consciously co-create with God. And my friends, that takes the time it takes.
But man, when you can finally “let go”;
When you can make bold moves no matter what the outcome may or may not be;
When you can risk it all;
When the worst that could happen isn’t the worst you’ve been through;
When your heart is so open, willing, and ready to receive what you need (and maybe not what you think you want);
When you embody how you want to be in the world;
You create the frequency—the space—of what you’ve been asking for, to manifest.
And so often the outcome is better than your mind had envisioned.
It’s an incredible practice to stop forcing the ‘how’; I used to force many things in my life. It looked a lot like a flight pattern. Frustration. Chasing highs. Unfocused. Yours might be to fight and buckle down or to freeze and dissociate from overwhelm. We all do it.
We are all creatures of habit, in some way, shape, or form.
I was never clinging to what this next chapter would look like on the outside for me. It was all surrendered action. The membership, the jobs I applied for and didn’t get, they all encapsulated a general feeling. This is how you bring something to life— cultivate and embody the feeling; a prayer telling God what you want; simply communicating desires through feeling and action of how you want to feel and be in the new experience.
These are some of the keywords I held the feeling of:
Membership, commitment, consistency, community, connection, communication, women, mindful movement, adaptability, authenticity, zone of genius, fulfilling, satisfying, sociable, scalable, buildable.
God said, “Okay, cool, love your idea. But how about this way, IT’S BETTER THAN YOU IMAGINED.”
I was, in one sense, “forcing” this membership to happen because it was the only way I could see working in my zone of genius right now. It was me risking it all—with nothing to lose.
But then this far more “committed” and “consistent” “scalable” “buildable” “fulfilling" “satisfying” “sociable” “community” and “membership” came.
I’m taking the cue and will put full energy into this opportunity. Save for when it’s time to launch my signature offer ‘Creatures of Habit’ …the program, mentorship?… once I have the cash flow for my back-end systems, I trust this to crystalize.
It all comes together one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.
Many signs from God and a deep knowing in my heart brought me here and told me that my personal life and career would have new ground to flourish on once I let the old fully burn to the ground.
But shit, I have questioned if it had all been worth it. Is this really for me? Am I crazy to have come here? To have “given up all that”?
My faithful willingness to let go of everything that meant anything to me over the last four years; to move to the coast, to sell my beautiful reformer, to endure lockdown and isolation, to quit teaching yoga, to move provinces, to stop nannying, to trust a man, to become a stepmom, to stop teaching… these have been the most genuinely surrendered years of my life.
Holding all of the desires, the denials, the unknowns. Living in the liminal space with as much grace as you can muster; alchemizing pain into something new, usable; playing the game. Casting magic. Co-creating. Making something from nothing—is dynamic, masterful work.
You must be adaptable.
You must trust that what’s meant for you will always find its way to you, even if the path is winding, unclear, long, and grueling.
It’s a Holy Hell.
But as your desires and needs are truly met the path no longer feels forceful, strained, or tense. There is no urgency, hypervigilance, or distress. You are not consistently confused and destabilized.
The things meant for you feel like a relief to your nervous system. A deep exhale. A soft hum. Wrapped in gentle excitement. Warmth. Sparks of joy. Light. Clarity. Freedom. Peace. Gratitude.
God’s lead is not without challenge, but it is the path to peace.
To teach reformer classes again is a dream that wasn’t an option back home, especially in the capacity available here. It’s confirmation that my heart was right in bringing me here. I am so, so, so excited about the opportunities it will now afford me—both in this stream of my career and in the way that I can now invest in other streams too. I LOVE variety. I have a long-term vision and, for the first time in my life, a stable way to get there.
Are you navigating a liminal space or struggling with surrendering an outcome?
What are you manifesting and waiting on?
What is the frequency you are holding in your body? Is it in alignment with your desire?
It can be a dark space to work in, but it’s necessary—not wrong. It’s potent ground for your growth.
It is the magic, albeit mundane and manic at times—very, very human.
I’d love to hear from you. Anything that comes up. For real.
What are you moving with? moving through? moving away from? towards?
Do you need support carrying the load? What can you put down at least for today?
Let’s walk together—share your thoughts, stories, pain, or celebrations with me.
I’m here.
Go deep, love. You’re worth it.
So much love for you,
🙏🏽
Kaylen